MORE TO THE STORY I JUST PoSTED. (And Then We Die)?

kids lunch bags with shoulder strap image

Shadowchic

I know your probably wondering whats going on. Am I alive or dead. Well, tecnally, both. Alive in the fact my body is working. My heart still beats, my brain still functions, just at a rate that most medical devices can't pick up. That's why I'm in a mourg. Dead, in the sense, I don't exist. You will never hear my name out of this book. You will never here this story anywhere else. If you did, you''d probably end up dead very soon after. Even now I'm putting you at risk. Everything I'm telling you is confidential. The people who are above me said I'm never to tell anyone. So make sure you spread this story. Mabey with enough people we can stop it. Back to reality.



I slowly got of my table, didn't want to breake any bones.....again. It didn't take me very long to find my bag. It was an old one. One strap made for over you shoulder, lots of pockets, and Army camo. I loved it. I dug through it till I found my cleanest set of cloths and through them on. I made sure my knife and other essentials were in there. After I strapped on my boots, (they went so well with my cargo pants and ti-di teashirt. ) I started to make my way to the door. THen I heard it. Deep from somewhere deep inside my head, a voice. No, THE voice.

Destroy them. You can do it. Just concentrate, them BOOM. Just do it!

I shook my head fratnicall. Don't listen. Don't listen. DON"T LISTEN. I ran out the door, not even bothering to look out for the security camera's. I didn't care. I ran down a long, narrow hall. It was well lit, but obviously not used much anymore. It took all my will power not to scream. I finally saw the door. The light from beind it gleamed like the light at the end of the tunnle was suposed to. It was pretty much singing in my ears. A triumphant sound of fresh air. I ran faster. I burst through the door, and collapsed on the spot. The air felt good. Clean. I knew there were people around me. I could feel there eyes staring at me as I lay in the fetal position on the hard concrete. Someone came up to me and started to shake me. My head felt like it was about to expload. This is idiot was just shaking a timb bomb. Great.

"Kid! Kid! Are you alright? Kid!"

"Just relax honey, you'll be find"

"Someone call 911! NOW!"



There were at three people now, standing right over me. The pain started to dim and I opend my eyes. Woah. More like ten people. Must have been lunch breake. Somewhere in the mix of all the voices I heard whispers.

I'm telling you, she looks just like that dead girl we found.

Wonderfull People recognized me. Happy Happy, Freaken Joy, Joy. I knew if I didn't leave soon, I would have a much bigger mess on my hands. I jumped up and took off. They started to chase me, but I was much quicker. They had no chance. Soon I left them behind and was wondering through the bussy stretes of New York.






does that help explain. Still open to critisim. I KNOW, I CNA"T SPELL. I don't have spell check on this computer. so sory ya'll

Answer
I loved your beginning, but this section left me feeling a little confused. How did that camouflage gear get into a morgue? Usually personal belongings are catalogued & put into a locked cabinet. She could look frantically & discover someone forgot to snap the padlock. I think it would be more interesting if she could have wrapped the white sheet that had covered her, toga-style, & put on a long lab coat. Visualize that for a moment & then begin to imagine the reactions of the onlookers.

You have a dry sense of humor so continue to use it. e.g. when she's trying to get off the table have her move side to side until she gets momentum to sit up & slide off. She could joke that rigor is all that it's cracked up to be.

i liked your last paragraph. Personally I would add after quicker this sentence: Wow! just the smell of formaldehyde is better than a shot of adrenalin.

I swear if I could contact you I'd buy you a dictionary. At least when you finish a passage or for the day, go back & correct spelling errors. The ones you can't, use the dictionary.

Powered by Yahoo! Answers

Title Post: MORE TO THE STORY I JUST PoSTED. (And Then We Die)?
Rating: 97% based on 9832 ratings. 4,6 user reviews.
Author: Unknown

Thanks For Coming To My Blog